At nine am… or who am I kidding, at noon most days when my alarm sounds; after having shut off snooze for a minimum of two hours prior…my mind can be in various states. More often than not, the first fifteen minutes or so are spent vigorously trying to discern memories of yesterday with memories of speedy, shockingly realistic dreams of the post sleeping session. Some days, it’s cloudy and dark, giving me the illusion that daylight in my existence really is a scarcity. Sometimes, I walk into the kitchen to find my one beacon of light in the cloudy day (a hot cup of coffee)…only to realize the plastic bag full of fair trade roast is indeed not full at all, but…empty. Then I get into my car after various methods of waking myself up (splashing water violently into my face… snuffing peppermint oil…it’s a strange process). Often, my car feels like it’s falling apart, I miss class, work is a drag, friends get upset, dishes pile up, sickness ensues… and once in a while, someone I love goes away, or a friend dies. These absurd moments are indeed this crazy, whirling, blurry, and barely comprehensible thing, we call …life.
Lately, with a few particularly dark clouds casting over my days and the days of many people I love; I find it hard to climb out of my seemingly- black-holed- rut. Negativity piles up, and once in a while I opt out; spending a whole day doing nothing but watching inspirational gay rom-coms -in bed (usually my movies of choice if I can’t stand the sight of straight men for one reason or another)… or re-runs of various sit coms ( Seinfeld, Community, Freaks and Geeks, Friends…anything that makes me feel like the random wonderful people in my life are the most important). I usually pair these sessions with a comfortable pair of polka dotted underwear or dated Christmas jammies (yes, a gift from my mother). Classically, Ben and Jerry often join me in bed, or a variety of corn-puffed treats covered in spicy MSG. I leave only every hour or so to quickly puff down a Turkish Silver.
Other days, I run to the store, the bank, do an hour of yoga, and spend the day blasting Ani Difranco, dying my hair various colors or piercing something with a tack and an apple. I might take a break to spend an hour on the phone with an old friend, strum the ukulele, sing on the top of my lungs, scream… and eventually strap on a new pair of shoes, some dark lipstick, and hit the town with friends and acquaintances. Laughing, dancing, and spinning around in a whirl of social excitement and again blurry, but vigorous , life. However, these nights can occasionally end in tears, yelling, or the scarce, but painfully embarrassing nap on the wall of a public bath room.
Sure, you can pass your judgment on me. You could also brush it off and say, hey, she’s young; she’ll grow out of it. But the truth is we live in a dark world, (umm..yes we do). Literally, the world is dark half the time. We use our manufactured florescent lights to function and wander around, but it can be a dark, cold, terrifying place… full of ; theft, bombs, BPA, murder, sickness, abandonment, Red dye 40, tanning beds, death, suicide, homelessness, joblessness, greed, depression, unreasonable expectations, selfishness, billionaires, heart-attack cheese burgers, Wal-Mart, and war.
But that’s just it; the darkness only occurs half the time! Then the sun comes out, or a full moon illuminates the night sky… or someone lights a shiny little cigarette or a scented candle.
Here’s how I get by:
While I do get stuck in these stormy moments, I stop and remember the word I just used previously in this very sentence, “The moment”. Now, when I use this word, please be clear… my intention is not to describe some lofty concept that people can only obtain by meditating naked for twelve hours on top of a Himalayan mountain and simultaneously chanting…or anything vaguely related ;) I do indeed mediate and practice Yoga, which I find to be significantly helpful and recommend it to anyone seeking peace, balance, strength, clarity or well-being. However, we all have our own ways of meditating that we may not even be aware of. Every day when you step into the hot shower, can you tell me you don’t feel better than you did upon awakening? The steam clears up your lungs, the water drips down your face. You stand vulnerable and naked, and are finally fine with it. Your morning soap is a daily reminder to WAKE UP, filling your nostrils with some pleasant scent. You breathe deeply. And for a few minutes, nothing in the world matters but you and your comfortable, warm, naked body. Maybe you have a similar feeling when walking to the bus stop, or drinking a cup of tea, but the point is, there are things we do in every moment that make us stop and dive deeper into ourselves and what is right in front of us. I often call these little things “meditations”(yes, I also often pluralize words when not at all necessary)...shower meditations, journal meditations, paint meditations, kitty meditations and a little beer meditations. That word just helps me to remember that no matter what I’m doing; I mine as well stay present in it and put all my effort forward. Because yes, sometimes your key breaks off in the door, and the basement floods, and there’s mayo on your only shirt for work, and you’re missing someone so badly you can’t help but cry. BUT these are just moments, and they will pass and yield lighter, more manageable moments. At the same time that those little salty tears roll down your cheek, your heart pumps blood through your whole body, keeping you alive and making you function. At that very same moment someone in the world is also crying, but because of an overwhelming amount of joy and not sadness. In another place, a tiny plant struggles to push up from its roots and into the sunshine. Maybe just next door your neighbors or friends are mentioning how much fun they had with you the night before, and how wonderful you are to talk to. Maybe as you drive home from work, your room mates or spouse are cleaning the kitchen to free up your stressful afternoon. Maybe an old friend will give you a call in a moment just to say hello. So turn around, look around, and when you are in a moment, really be in it, ALL of it! Not just the broken key in the door, but the wonderfully nourishing bag of groceries at your feet, and the beautiful house in front of you, and the cold, jolting air around you that wakes you up and makes you feel real. So I find a good moment, or a good friend, and I keep it as long as it lasts, and then… I find the next.
Those dark clouds aren’t the entirety of your moment; everything is. And everything is only dark half the time, and light the other….which could ultimately be mixed together into some hazy twilight tinge!
