I might not be able to pray exactly to Roxanne at this point- but the last time I saw her in June I promised her I would write her a letter. Back in the day, we all wrote notes when we lived close, and letters when we were far apart. Often they'd include mundane quirky details of our lives, and eventually some of the deep, raw, true stuff. Here is my letter Roxanne, some of it as it would have been were she still alive-some of it with the recognition of reality- she has passed. I'm finally fulfilling that last promise.
Dear Roxanne (aka Pappykens/ Cracker):
I'm so sorry I didn't write sooner. This summer's been a complete disaster. Currently, I'm sitting listening to a mix that Sarah made for me. It's helping. You'd love it. I wish I could send it to you, along with a few other mixes I've made lately. I'd send you all the songs I think would warm your beautiful heart and make you sing out with eccentric joy as you do.
I feel the need as per usual to get and give a love life update. I would have absolutely LOVED to see you get married this fall. You have been through so much with past partners, I'm so glad you found that person who truly understood you and made you happy. I never got the chance to tell you I was proud, and happy for the beautiful life you had cultivated with Shawn. I finally got the chance to talk to Shawn a bit a few days before your funeral. I wanted you to know that I can totally see why you two worked. He seems brilliant, a "button" as we used to say (one who understands the deep intricacies of the Universe and is Sarah- Jennie-Dave-Roxanne approved). I could tell how much he loved you. Sarah, Shawn and I that night talked about the workings of the galaxy, atoms, and stared up at the moon thinking of you. You chose so well. I'm so glad you found him before this summer.
Update from me: I got dumped. My heart is a hot mess from it all. You met Keagan a few times and gave me your vague approval. My complex-J-fo self was just too much for him, and he left. My heart has been aching, desperately. My whole projection of my future has taken a sharp turn. In the past, when my heart has been in such a state- you were one of the only people who could help me put it back together. You'd so cleverly trick me into seeing my own awesomeness and light. Thank you. I wish I could take you to lunch now and give you all the gruesome details, but I guess you'll be spared from that. I am also SO glad you got to meet my current partner Mea before you passed. He and I will always remember that last afternoon at Thai Siam with you this spring, you telling stories and being your absurdly hilarious self. I want you to know that he truly helps me be better. He's been helping me grow, learn, and feel loved. I think you'd approve. I also want you to know that in my mind, I've planned my own hypothetical wedding. And you were there, one of my bridesmaids... helping me on the day I committed myself to loving and caring for that one special person. I know somehow, on that day.... you'll still be there.
The other thing I wanted to tell you is...I'm getting sober. Well, I've been sober for a few months now - but I'm also getting well. I'm going through the 12 steps and talking to other alcoholics. I wanted you to know this because you saw me at some of my darkest moments of addiction throughout our young lives . And the very last time I saw you at the beginning of this summer, my disease had truly got the best of me. I was completely drunk, in a haze, and blacked out for most of our conversation. I can't remember what you said, or even how you looked. After you and your light left the bar, my night got even grimmer. In fact, it darkened to such a deep black- I fell into a tunnel of despair that ultimately lead to the discovery of my addiction. All I can remember from the last time I saw you is this:
That night, I was reminded of how much I loved you, and how loved I felt by you. I remembered that you were one of the only people in my life who really knew me. And you actually accepted me for who I was, good and bad, dark and light. You were one of a few who I also knew would always be there, even when you couldn't be physically. And, that I truly valued you as a human. I valued how utterly honest we had always been to each other. I valued the support you gave me for nearly 10 years. I felt so grateful for that. And, I promised you I'd write.
So, here it is. My letter to you. I know you're probably insanely busy and you definitely can't write back. But, I'll be patient. It's the least I can do. When you're done making your rounds in other's dreams, after you've placed your hand on many shoulders who need your touch- I know you'll find some time for me. In one way or another, you'll answer my letter. You always did.
I love you Roxanne, I'll never stop. And I'll definitely never forget you- that's for sure. But it's finally time for me to really say goodbye.
Goodbye, Roxanne Papken.
Your Dear friend,
Jennie (aka J-fo or Vegan)
