A letter to God

Dear God,  
While making an apple crisp in my 3rd floor apartment kitchen... with these lovely red counter-tops, and Native American flute music seeping sound waves from my iPod speakers to my ears... I dropped to my knees to thank you. I prayed on my knees with my hands clasped together, for the first time since childhood.

God, there are a lot of people in my life with a mosaic of idea’s about you. Since birth  people have been telling me who or what they think you are. As a kid, I spent a lot of time panickingly fearing you god, and frankly, it sucked. I thought a curse from my lips meant eternal damnation. I thought sex outside of wedlock would place me in a pit of pain, fire and evil. And God, I desperately loved my family and still do. We were a down to earth, loving Christian family on a self-sustaining farm. I wanted no harm or suffering to come to any of us and I wanted us all to stay together forever. But that idea of you caused me great suffering, overbearing guilt, and feelings of betrayal. Because  God, in that church, with those stories, I couldn't see you. I couldn't feel you, and I by no means could decipher your glory or importance in my life. I didn’t know you there.
Well God, my family couldn't have stayed as it was because family is meant to grow and change and hold together in ways that transcend geography. But before I knew that, in a crisp perfect story house with my big family, in a field at sunset, at Christmas snuggled on the couch, after seeing my mother cry from overwhelming happiness, at the peak of a magnificent summer day, and in a heartwarmingly delicious homemade meal, that’s where I felt you. Those moments in my life that called for all my attention to their holiness, God...that’s where I found you.

In a fierce fit of teenage emotion and a flurry of anger, I turned my back from you. I spit at the idea of your existence, I thought the answer was Nothing, zero connection, no such thing as real love, goodness or selflessness. And wow, was this an miserable world to live in. Without you God, I went astray. Not only did I stray away from your love, but I left that little child who loved you and the world alone, robbing her of her spirit. I let her be convinced that she was ugly, unworthy, and bad natured. She picked apart her body and coiled at the thought of salvation. She collected sadness and fear at school and at home and let them stew in her heart. She questioned whether she could make it in this world, or if she deserved to. God I did many things I am not proud of, but the worst of those things was turning from that little girl, turning from myself.

So God, here’s the thing. I don’t think you reign over me. I don’t think you would demand I slaughter my only child or that being gay is wrong. I don’t think sex will set me aflame and I don’t believe the people we have lost from suicide go to hell. I see no reason to believe you would like us to continue outdated rituals, and I think that one text that so many people say holds your word, does, but it’s a chip in the iceberg. I think Dharma Bum’s and a few poems I’ve heard also come close. I think some of my yoga teachers have as much knowledge of you as a priest. There’s no way in hell women were created from the rib of a man because we are all your children regardless of sex and gender, or race or even popularity... no life more worthy than the other.  God I don’t believe members of my family know you better than I, nor do I know you better than them. God... I’m done with other people telling me who you are. There are so many paths to you God, an infinite amount. Some people find your presence on top of a mountain and not in a church. Some people find you in a temple, a chapel or sweat lodge, and others find you in a forgiving hug or a perfectly timed smile from a stranger. God, I don’t think you are a boy or a girl. I think you are something and someone much bigger than a gender could even begin to describe. God I don’t think you prefer any person over another. Or species over others.  I think you are forgiving, soft, strong, joyful, compassionate and brave. I think in a sense I am you, that your light is in all of us and every living thing, from bugs in soil, to towering trees, to antelope. Your light can be in the ugliest of things. And if you look deep enough in the darkest of caves, your light will shine through. I find you in moment of ecstatic dance. I've felt you in a lover’s touch and at the end of sentence in an incredible book. I hear you in music. I feel you in savasana and when I  really find my breathe. Your influence is  there when I stop myself from speaking when I’m too angry, and when I do a good deed. You’re by my side when I meditate and I don’t think you are ashamed when I have sex. I swear I can taste your love in garden veggies and tea.  I've seen you in my  baby sister’s eyes and I felt you in the air at my big sister’s wedding. I find you in support from a  friend. God I see you even in the eyes of my enemies or those who say I can’t see you at all.

So God. I am done with other people telling me I don’t know you. I want our relationship to keep growing, I think this is just the beginning of my journey. I think you are accessible to everyone, at every walk of life, and I know you have plans for me.

Today when I knelt down and prayed, I ended with “Namaste God”. God, you know this but Namaste is:

“an ancient Sanskrit greeting still in everyday use in India. Translated roughly, it means "I bow to the God within you", or "The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you" - a knowing that we are all made from the same One Divine Consciousness.”

When I spoke those words to myself for the first time in prayer, I felt your love and your light shining down on me. But, God... I also felt it radiating in my own heart. I may never speak or fear you like some. I may do asana more than I pray.  I’m gonna keep chanting all your names in my bedroom and the studio, even on the sidewalk once in a while. Strolling down the street to  “Hare Rama, Hare Krishna”. I might be awkward or sloppy and from time to time, I know I’ll mess up. It might be hard for you to find me in my darkest moments or for me to find you, but I know we will be reunited. I’ll find you because I have faith that everyone is connected. That I exist for a reason and so does every being in this Universe. That I am worthy of love.  I have faith that we are all at origin, good. And sometimes, we just need to be reminded of the light inside our souls.

So God, there’s my prayer.

I pray for love. I pray for health. I pray with overflowing gratitude. I pray for my family and friends. I pray for the animals in the forest , the damn seagulls on the beach and the pumpkins in their patches. I pray for children, hustling adults, and old, withering wise folks.  I pray to say I feel you in the sunshine and in my own smile.

I pray that I can forgive and be forgiven.

I pray that the world becomes a more fair, loving place.

I ask you to help us see the beauty in each other and ourselves.

I ask for the strength to be the best version of myself I can be. I pray to love with endless devotion, and to let go of my insecurities and reveal my strength. God I know that the light inside of me is warm, good, loving, and kind. I know it’s the same light in you and in

the stars. I know this light is in every, single, soul. God I believe it is  your light...and so, we are one.

Namaste, God

Sincerely,

Jennie